Redirecting Energy

[tasha_yar]

It's been a few days since she was twelve. And Lucy thinks this place is boring.

The reports have been made and filed. Most of the reunions she sought out have happen. The most memorable one was pure chaos. Maybe she should have expected that?

No, you really don't expect to be twelve twice. Especially not while in the quarters of you best friend. Who got displaced between his bridge shift ending and entering his quarters. Who now has a daughter. Who collapsed in your arms earlier in the day.

Strength enough to bend par-steel, but likely held back by the Laws of Robotics, and she felt helpless.

Yar has always had a duty to the helpless. Even more than that, she's a sweet kid.

The buzzer to Lal's quarters chimes.

Comments

[usescontractions]

"I don't know. Some of my father's memories are as clear as my very own. Some are fragmented. If I had to guess, I would say it is because my father kept a holocube of your image. And you know how unsentimental he is now, so it would appear highly unusual."

She breathes a little sigh. "I had been curious about certain things, but I never asked. I do not think he knows how much of his memory was transferred to me. And his past does not usually bring about positive feelings in him."

[tasha_yar]

"A hologram." She's not questioning it. She should, but -

"Lal," she says quietly. "I can't answer many of those questions. Maybe...he can't either." She takes Lal's shoulders. "And maybe I'm...some other Tasha Yar than he knew."

She lets go and starts to pace, and as she talks the reality of what happened - all of it - begins to filter in. "But if things all happened the same way? The last things I remember? He would -

"Armus seemed interested in him - specifically - and I just -" She bites her lip. "Stepped in front of him to get Troi. There was a flash and -

"Lal, Beverly would have had the tricorder and everything. Data would have had to carry me. Carry me in his arms with my life being drained away into that..." Her voice cracks, but the words roll on. "That thing." She looks up to the ceiling and her mind shifts to an image of a too blue sky. A sky under which both recorded her last good-byes and, before that, bared her soul to the most wonderful man she had known.

If she had to chose a love of that life....If

She blinks at tears and spreads her arm to encompass the room. "And, then he would have stood - not feeling anything - while everyone we loved grieved while I said only some small fraction of what he should have heard from me. Surrounded, and alone." She steels herself. "And not being able to explain any of it. Not even to Geordi. Because I asked! Hell, like a damn fool, I insisted!"

"While every second of it - every touch. Every time I laughed because he couldn't. Every idiot thing I ever told him..." Her voice drops. "Down to feeling me slipping away. It would all be there. Burned in permanently."

"Your memory isn't 'fragmented' on accident. He wouldn't do that, or he'd try to fix it. You have those gaps because he cares deeply about you. And what I am is pain."

[usescontractions]

"Perhaps." It would make sense. His first thought has always been to shield Lal from unpleasantness. "Though, I have several very painful memories of my father's. When my grandmother died, he could not handle the idea of all he had lost. You, me, Lore, grandfather... I think it was then that the idea of isolating himself began. When he had me back, we left the Enterprise, and didn't return. He only contacted Geordi again when I was in danger, and he had nowhere else to turn."

Here come the waterworks. Lal reaches up to wipe tears away from her cheek with the back of her hand. "I understand why he chose to leave Starfleet, but not why he has gone to such lengths to avoid people who care about him. Who care about us. He would rather sever all ties than face death again. But, what's the difference? They aren't gone yet."

[tasha_yar]

Her head moves back and forth slowly. "I know it has to be hard with your memory." A sad smile colonizes her face as she once again takes Lal's shoulders before moving one hand over the girl's bangs, smoothing them into place and away from her tears.

"I know - I've always known - that I was going to have to fight my past for my whole life." Her eyebrows move into her bangs as she sucks in a breath through her teeth. "And, apparently, I'm going to fight it going into this one, too."

She puts two fingers under Lal's chin, lifting it gently so her dark eyes meet Tasha's lighter ones. "So will you." With that, Lal is folded into Tasha's arms for a tight hug.

With her face safely facing away, she adds. "You're allowed to hate your world. You're even allowed to miss it. But..." Her body tightens and she channels it into the hug. "The things that never happened still matter. Remember that for me. No matter how long you have." She steps back, and smooths Lal's clothing around her shoulders.

"Should we get to throwing around holograms now?"

[usescontractions]

She nods slowly, wiping at her face again. "Thank you I.. it's been difficult being away from my father." After all, this is the first time she's been away from him for an extended period of time. For all her complex thoughts and knowledge, she's still just a child.

"Yes. I think that would be good."